Chapter One
FIRST THINGS FIRST: SETTING THE STAGE
The thoughtful hostess spares no expense when it comes to the comfort of her guests. And this is why, I always think, God invented husbands! Especially husbands like my Richard who was practically born knowing when to have his cheque book at the ready. Of course I realise some of you may not be lucky enough to have a husband like mine (one with both a cash and credit card) or any husband at all; on the other hand, some of you may be husbands, but lack the knowledge necessary to raise yourselves up to Bucket standards. Not to worry, dears! Hyacinth Bucket’s Book of Better-Class British Cookery was written for YOU! But the thing to remember first and foremost is this: You cannot simply duplicate Hyacinth’s stylish cuisine for your family and special friends and think that’s all there is to it. No indeed. If you are to become the superlative hostess I am (or host as the case may be) you must have the perfect setting for your social entertainments.
FIRST THINGS FIRST: SETTING THE STAGE
The thoughtful hostess spares no expense when it comes to the comfort of her guests. And this is why, I always think, God invented husbands! Especially husbands like my Richard who was practically born knowing when to have his cheque book at the ready. Of course I realise some of you may not be lucky enough to have a husband like mine (one with both a cash and credit card) or any husband at all; on the other hand, some of you may be husbands, but lack the knowledge necessary to raise yourselves up to Bucket standards. Not to worry, dears! Hyacinth Bucket’s Book of Better-Class British Cookery was written for YOU! But the thing to remember first and foremost is this: You cannot simply duplicate Hyacinth’s stylish cuisine for your family and special friends and think that’s all there is to it. No indeed. If you are to become the superlative hostess I am (or host as the case may be) you must have the perfect setting for your social entertainments.
An exclusive post code is a must
Before we even think about letting you attempt British cookery “Bucket style”, we must ensure you’ve got a suitable kitchen arrangement. One like mine: One that is up to and beyond British standards. Of course a quality kitchen like mine is found only in an upmarket home in a better class area. And so that is where we shall begin. Dears: Look about you. If you don’t see yourself surrounded by an exclusive post code then you must find one and move there. Because it’s no good sending out engraved invitations to your stylish social entertainments if your return address is not something you can allow your Postman to see! Of course it goes without saying ours was already a desirable neighbourhood when Richard and I first arrived on the scene. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have looked at the place twice. That’s not to say it was the sought-after post code it is today. No indeed. As our neighbours will be only too ready to tell you, our home is well beyond the ordinary! Yes, over the years, I have made The Bucket Residence a centre of culture and taste in The Avenue. And you may rest assured, my Dear Readers, under the supervision of Hyacinth Bucket, you can do the same.
Before we even think about letting you attempt British cookery “Bucket style”, we must ensure you’ve got a suitable kitchen arrangement. One like mine: One that is up to and beyond British standards. Of course a quality kitchen like mine is found only in an upmarket home in a better class area. And so that is where we shall begin. Dears: Look about you. If you don’t see yourself surrounded by an exclusive post code then you must find one and move there. Because it’s no good sending out engraved invitations to your stylish social entertainments if your return address is not something you can allow your Postman to see! Of course it goes without saying ours was already a desirable neighbourhood when Richard and I first arrived on the scene. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have looked at the place twice. That’s not to say it was the sought-after post code it is today. No indeed. As our neighbours will be only too ready to tell you, our home is well beyond the ordinary! Yes, over the years, I have made The Bucket Residence a centre of culture and taste in The Avenue. And you may rest assured, my Dear Readers, under the supervision of Hyacinth Bucket, you can do the same.
A house is not a home unless it is a centre of culture and taste
What makes the difference between a merely upmarket house and a really stylish home? Why the people who live there of course! Take, for example, Villa Costa Blanca across the street. Whoever heard of a Spanish coastal resort in the West Midlands? There you are, you see: a classic example of somebody putting a name on a house and thinking they’ve achieved instant culture. No, there is more to it than that, I assure you. Richard and I opted to name our house quite modestly, as is our wont: the sign above our garage says “Witney Edge”, which describes us beautifully. We are in Witney Edge. Or near enough. You’ll never find the Buckets pretending to be someplace on the Costa del Sol. Spain’s very last year anyway.
What makes the difference between a merely upmarket house and a really stylish home? Why the people who live there of course! Take, for example, Villa Costa Blanca across the street. Whoever heard of a Spanish coastal resort in the West Midlands? There you are, you see: a classic example of somebody putting a name on a house and thinking they’ve achieved instant culture. No, there is more to it than that, I assure you. Richard and I opted to name our house quite modestly, as is our wont: the sign above our garage says “Witney Edge”, which describes us beautifully. We are in Witney Edge. Or near enough. You’ll never find the Buckets pretending to be someplace on the Costa del Sol. Spain’s very last year anyway.
For a home to be a centre of culture and taste, the persons who live there must have an innate sense of style, like myself. As the Lady of the House, I am proud to say I have inherited my gracious good taste and artistic ability very naturally. My father was once a power in painting-by-numbers circles. That noble old man. It’s tragic. A brilliant I.Q. struggling with senility. I’d have him here in a flash if he didn’t make rude noises at the dinner table. It can’t be helped, of course. But he does bring Sheridan out in a rash all the same. And if one’s home is to be a centre of culture and taste, one cannot have rude parents and spotted children about. But thank heavens I am a caring daughter. I often visit Daddy to ensure he’s being well looked after. But I am also a dedicated mother and wouldn’t dream of upsetting Sheridan at the dinner table, as Richard will be only too happy to tell you.
This is the reason The Bucket Residence is the cultural hub of things round here in the first place: Our son Sheridan. It’s the sort of home a sensitive boy like my Sheridan requires: An oasis of culture apart from the hoi polloi; in short, a cultural hub. Which is what I told my dear friend and neighbour, Emmet Hawkesworth, practically from the moment we were introduced: ‘Living next door to us – Emmet,’ I said, ‘you’ll soon learn you’re in the cultural hub of things round here.’ And now that he knows me, I’m sure he’d agree. Emmet is a classically trained musician, and as such, readily recognises culture. Why he can hardly get enough of my little Musical Soirees! (See Chapter Ten: “Moments Miscellaneous and Musical”) But he’s so shy, poor dear. He has me on rather a high pedestal. I’m afraid I do fluster him so. Otherwise, I know he’d have cast me in a leading role in one of his amateur operatics by now! But one must be patient with the artistic temperament, as I have learnt over the years whilst raising my Sheridan.
Nothing Continental
This brings us to another important element of the well-appointed home: It must contain nothing Continental. As I assured our Vicar the first time he came to tea, ‘There are no French habits at The Bucket Residence, Vicar.’
Nothing Continental
This brings us to another important element of the well-appointed home: It must contain nothing Continental. As I assured our Vicar the first time he came to tea, ‘There are no French habits at The Bucket Residence, Vicar.’
Anybody who knows me may think this an unnecessary statement to make. But my husband’s ancestors were French – one branch of the family tree were Eugenics, I think. And I find it useful to reassure my guests that even though our name is Bucket (B-o-u-q-u-e-t) and sounds very French, as a result of being married to me, Richard quickly got over any residual French habits he may have been harbouring. The day Sheridan was born I told my husband, ‘Richard,’ I said, ‘There will be no more French habits at The Bucket Residence. I will not raise my Sheridan in a Continental atmosphere.’ Of course Richard agreed.
Decorating Up to and Beyond British Standards
I am famous for my decorating talents – and not only amongst our friends and acquaintances. No indeed. My flair for interior design is sought after world wide. People in Australia write to me regularly, wanting advice about their wallpaper. Why, you’d never believe how many uncouth persons there are – and not only in Australia – who are brushing against upmarket walls even as you’re reading this book!
I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be grateful to have had the experience of a socially unfortunate brother-in-law called Onslow. But I will not spare myself when it comes to helping my Readers. I’m sure Onslow doesn’t mind me using him as an example of what not to do in the presence of expensive wallpaper.
But let’s leave all that and return to the matter at hand, which is: Decorating one’s home. Remember, if you want to be like Hyacinth Bucket, you must keep everything tasteful and elegant. Your home should not shout, ‘Money!’ The general rule that I have followed in decorating The Bucket Residence is very simple and something you can easily accomplish for yourself: For every three feet of wall space, at least one quality item should be on display.
Decorating Up to and Beyond British Standards
I am famous for my decorating talents – and not only amongst our friends and acquaintances. No indeed. My flair for interior design is sought after world wide. People in Australia write to me regularly, wanting advice about their wallpaper. Why, you’d never believe how many uncouth persons there are – and not only in Australia – who are brushing against upmarket walls even as you’re reading this book!
I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be grateful to have had the experience of a socially unfortunate brother-in-law called Onslow. But I will not spare myself when it comes to helping my Readers. I’m sure Onslow doesn’t mind me using him as an example of what not to do in the presence of expensive wallpaper.
But let’s leave all that and return to the matter at hand, which is: Decorating one’s home. Remember, if you want to be like Hyacinth Bucket, you must keep everything tasteful and elegant. Your home should not shout, ‘Money!’ The general rule that I have followed in decorating The Bucket Residence is very simple and something you can easily accomplish for yourself: For every three feet of wall space, at least one quality item should be on display.
But you may feel free to reassure your guests and any tradesmen, insurance salesmen, or missionaries who may have occasion to enter your home that they are treading on highly-polished woodblock and Grade I Axminster.
At this critical juncture, let me interrupt our lesson in home decorating to give you a tiny word of caution about tradesmen: They will all go home and boast about your décor to their friends and relations, who will in turn smile at you admiringly whenever they pass you by in the street. It happens all the time. And, if you’re like me, you’ll be positively covered in embarrassment. But it can’t be helped. We who are the warp and weft of the nation’s social fabric must learn to take this sort of thing in our stride and bear our celebrity with grace and decorum. Besides, when your guests arrive, having heard from their electrics man all about your stylish décor, they’ll be thrilled to find it more than lives up to expectations.
Dressing for the Occasion
It’s a well known fact that when one goes out to someplace special, one dresses for the occasion. I know this and my Richard knows this, even if he will insist upon making difficulties at the most inopportune times.
At this critical juncture, let me interrupt our lesson in home decorating to give you a tiny word of caution about tradesmen: They will all go home and boast about your décor to their friends and relations, who will in turn smile at you admiringly whenever they pass you by in the street. It happens all the time. And, if you’re like me, you’ll be positively covered in embarrassment. But it can’t be helped. We who are the warp and weft of the nation’s social fabric must learn to take this sort of thing in our stride and bear our celebrity with grace and decorum. Besides, when your guests arrive, having heard from their electrics man all about your stylish décor, they’ll be thrilled to find it more than lives up to expectations.
Dressing for the Occasion
It’s a well known fact that when one goes out to someplace special, one dresses for the occasion. I know this and my Richard knows this, even if he will insist upon making difficulties at the most inopportune times.
Why the day we left to go yachting, our neighbours could hardly believe their eyes: There I was, Hyacinth Bucket, standing at the door of our highly polished automobile, dressed fit to captain a ship, whilst my husband Richard – my first mate! – piped me aboard wearing a heathery brown fair isle jersey which I bought him for the purpose of viewing Iron Age Remains! Sheridan would’ve been appalled. Of course I took Richard shopping at once for proper sailing gear. And he looked very well in it, too. While it lasted.
Yes, one always dresses when one goes “out”. But what most people do not give enough thought to, in my opinion, is dressing for staying “in”. But do not despair, Dears! That’s what I’m here for. To advise you what the thoughtful hostess wears “at home”. (The thoughtful host always wears his better suit and, if a Vicar will be in attendance, he chooses a religious tie.)
Yes, one always dresses when one goes “out”. But what most people do not give enough thought to, in my opinion, is dressing for staying “in”. But do not despair, Dears! That’s what I’m here for. To advise you what the thoughtful hostess wears “at home”. (The thoughtful host always wears his better suit and, if a Vicar will be in attendance, he chooses a religious tie.)
Of course one never knows who is going to be dropping in unannounced when one is otherwise engaged “at home”. So to be on the safe side, I always advise ladies to do like I do: Don a simple (but stylish!) housedress as soon as you get up in the morning. Arrange your coiffure and apply your cosmetics just as if you were going out – because you never know when you may be called upon to do so. My sisters are always ringing me up at the drop of a hat to come over and solve their every difficulty. Which reminds me: Be sure and choose a coordinating hat first thing and keep it at the ready by the door. And you’ll want to be sure and wear your earrings as well as a simple strand of pearls to complete the ensemble. And ladies: Being “at home” is no excuse for going without a girdle.
Now. When the occasion is a “special” one “at home”, you will change from your stylish housedress into something very chic! I have several frocks in this category in my wardrobe. I’m particularly fond of my brilliantly coloured summery floral. Of course, one doesn’t want to wear the same thing for every “at home” social occasion because people always look forward to seeing what new outfit the hostess wears. It sets the tone, you see. It’s better that the hostess attires herself in something striking. In which regard, I should like to point out the advantages at my Candlelight Suppers (See Chapter Six: “The Candlelight Supper”) of keeping the candelabra turned slightly towards myself, as hostess. It reassures my guests when I’m lit up so they know where I am at all times.
The Tasteful Accessories of a Well-laid Table
I am known far and wide for the tasteful accessories of my table. And of course my candelabra merely head the list of several accoutrements I consider a “must” for social entertaining. I shan’t go into details at this juncture, Dears, but you may rest assured that later on I shall discuss the tasteful accessories of a well-laid-table in depth, item-by-item and chapter-by-chapter. (I’m sure you’ve read the Table of Contents and are already drawing up your list of what to buy.) One thing you’ll want to start a little nest egg for at once is your very own solid silver self-cleaning sauce separator. No dining table is complete without one.
I am known far and wide for the tasteful accessories of my table. And of course my candelabra merely head the list of several accoutrements I consider a “must” for social entertaining. I shan’t go into details at this juncture, Dears, but you may rest assured that later on I shall discuss the tasteful accessories of a well-laid-table in depth, item-by-item and chapter-by-chapter. (I’m sure you’ve read the Table of Contents and are already drawing up your list of what to buy.) One thing you’ll want to start a little nest egg for at once is your very own solid silver self-cleaning sauce separator. No dining table is complete without one.
The Musical Accompaniment
There is no social occasion you will ever hostess that can be considered “upscale” without musical accompaniment. Of course I myself am a gifted musician. Purely amateur, of course. Though I believe I would have made a very successful career on the operatic stage if I hadn’t married Richard and opted for a more orderly lifestyle. But it’s just as well. The world doesn’t need another Joan Sutherland. And think what my special guests would have missed! The personal touch is so important, especially when it comes to musical entertainments. Yes, people have learnt over the years always to expect music at the Bou-quets! I, myself, am invariably the musical offering, as it were. But I sometimes allow my guests to join in. Again, I shan’t give you all the details of musical accompaniments until we explore, individually in successive chapters, the social occasions for which music is always appropriate.
There is no social occasion you will ever hostess that can be considered “upscale” without musical accompaniment. Of course I myself am a gifted musician. Purely amateur, of course. Though I believe I would have made a very successful career on the operatic stage if I hadn’t married Richard and opted for a more orderly lifestyle. But it’s just as well. The world doesn’t need another Joan Sutherland. And think what my special guests would have missed! The personal touch is so important, especially when it comes to musical entertainments. Yes, people have learnt over the years always to expect music at the Bou-quets! I, myself, am invariably the musical offering, as it were. But I sometimes allow my guests to join in. Again, I shan’t give you all the details of musical accompaniments until we explore, individually in successive chapters, the social occasions for which music is always appropriate.
Rehearsals All-Important!
The thoughtful hostess (or host as the case may be) never leaves anything to chance. This is why I make lists. I make guest lists. And menus lists. And recipe lists. And food lists for my recipes. And shopping lists. Lists of proper table accessories. Lists of flowers. Lists of musical selections. Lists of what to wear. In fact, if there is an item that should be written down on a list somewhere, you may rest assured Hyacinth Bucket has done it! Why I’ve been known to lie awake nights – and Richard too! – making lists of things. I am fortunate to have a very thoughtful husband. He’s such a help to me when it comes to my social entertaining. Of course after being married to Hyacinth Bucket all these years, Richard – one would expect -- should know what to do, socially, as well as I do. Unfortunately, Richard has a short attention span. But no matter. I am always on hand to remind him what’s important. Because one doesn’t like one’s husband becoming complaisant. Not when one has a social reputation to maintain.
The thoughtful hostess (or host as the case may be) never leaves anything to chance. This is why I make lists. I make guest lists. And menus lists. And recipe lists. And food lists for my recipes. And shopping lists. Lists of proper table accessories. Lists of flowers. Lists of musical selections. Lists of what to wear. In fact, if there is an item that should be written down on a list somewhere, you may rest assured Hyacinth Bucket has done it! Why I’ve been known to lie awake nights – and Richard too! – making lists of things. I am fortunate to have a very thoughtful husband. He’s such a help to me when it comes to my social entertaining. Of course after being married to Hyacinth Bucket all these years, Richard – one would expect -- should know what to do, socially, as well as I do. Unfortunately, Richard has a short attention span. But no matter. I am always on hand to remind him what’s important. Because one doesn’t like one’s husband becoming complaisant. Not when one has a social reputation to maintain.
I shall leave you with a tiny word of advice as we bring Chapter One: “Setting the Stage” to a close: Always allow enough time before each and every social occasion for a thorough rehearsal. Rehearsing every day for a week is not too much. Think of yourself as not merely the mistress (or master) of an elegant establishment; and not only the hostess (or host) of an important social occasion. But please to remember: For many of your guests, attending one of your “dos” will arguably be the highlight of the municipal year! And so you must do as I do: Think of yourself as the author of a Dame Barbara Cartland novel! The director of a Shakespearean drama! The choreographer of a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical! As well as the Star Turn of your every performance! Read on, Dears, and I shall tell you how I do it. And then you may copy me – if you can!