Chapter Nine
PICNICS
Richard knows me so well. (He says to tell you after more than 35 years married, he feels he knows me better than he knows himself. Beautiful sentiment! We’re so close, my husband and I. I can’t think of a couple I admire more.) But anyway, this is why neither Richard nor myself were at all surprised the other night when I had a sudden flash of inspiration that woke me out of a sound sleep with a brilliant idea: A PICNIC! Just the sort of casually stylish outdoor affair at which Daddy excels. I decided to make him my Guest of Honour! It all started with our discussing Sheridan just before dropping off. Richard knows I love to talk about Sheridan. And it just goes to show what a brilliant boy he is! Even the mere mention of Sheridan’s name is enough to ignite the flame of creation. It’s no wonder, after explaining to Richard why Sheridan gave up maths for needlework and tapestry design, I should suddenly awaken at one o’clock in the morning, my head swimming with the plans for an elegant affair that would take Daddy to a whole new height of social respectability! Oh it’s so exciting when these things happen. I awakened Richard, of course. After all, it was he who was responsible for my new idea for a PICNIC. Without my hubby, I wouldn’t have Sheridan. And without Sheridan to talk about, I would never in a million years have thought of treating Daddy to a PICNIC! Richard says as well as he knows me he’s never been able to figure out my logic. Well. I expect that’s what keeps our marriage interesting.
PICNICS
Richard knows me so well. (He says to tell you after more than 35 years married, he feels he knows me better than he knows himself. Beautiful sentiment! We’re so close, my husband and I. I can’t think of a couple I admire more.) But anyway, this is why neither Richard nor myself were at all surprised the other night when I had a sudden flash of inspiration that woke me out of a sound sleep with a brilliant idea: A PICNIC! Just the sort of casually stylish outdoor affair at which Daddy excels. I decided to make him my Guest of Honour! It all started with our discussing Sheridan just before dropping off. Richard knows I love to talk about Sheridan. And it just goes to show what a brilliant boy he is! Even the mere mention of Sheridan’s name is enough to ignite the flame of creation. It’s no wonder, after explaining to Richard why Sheridan gave up maths for needlework and tapestry design, I should suddenly awaken at one o’clock in the morning, my head swimming with the plans for an elegant affair that would take Daddy to a whole new height of social respectability! Oh it’s so exciting when these things happen. I awakened Richard, of course. After all, it was he who was responsible for my new idea for a PICNIC. Without my hubby, I wouldn’t have Sheridan. And without Sheridan to talk about, I would never in a million years have thought of treating Daddy to a PICNIC! Richard says as well as he knows me he’s never been able to figure out my logic. Well. I expect that’s what keeps our marriage interesting.
I got the pad of paper from the drawer of my nightstand. I always keep a pad and pencil there for middle-of-the-night socially inspired ideas that come to me. I said to Richard, ‘We must make a list of Daddy’s favourite snacks! Oh it’s ideal for Daddy – a PICNIC – he can drop as many crumbs as he likes.’ I proceeded to make a list and Richard helped me by suggesting all the accoutrements we’d need: my best bone; quality crystal glassware; (a beaker for Daddy of course, although I decided to take a glass for him as well in case we’re overlooked). Richard said he was surprised I hadn’t listed tables, chairs, and rugs. Richard can be so silly sometimes. Those go without saying – as if I needed to write things one would expect a Hyacinth Bucket PICNIC to include on a list! My husband’s not always at his best in the middle of the night I’m afraid.
But careful planning does pay off! Because the next morning I was practically packed and ready to go whilst Richard was still plotting out the route on his map -- and well before he’d managed to choose a proper PICNIC tie! I, of course, was wearing something appropriately chic for the occasion, as I always do. In this case, something that wouldn’t spoil if it was splashed or dribbled on.
Here is my menu for a PICNIC that is a ‘special needs’ event planned with one’s Daddy in mind.
But careful planning does pay off! Because the next morning I was practically packed and ready to go whilst Richard was still plotting out the route on his map -- and well before he’d managed to choose a proper PICNIC tie! I, of course, was wearing something appropriately chic for the occasion, as I always do. In this case, something that wouldn’t spoil if it was splashed or dribbled on.
Here is my menu for a PICNIC that is a ‘special needs’ event planned with one’s Daddy in mind.
As you can see, it’s quite simple. One doesn’t like inundating one’s Daddy with too many choices as it only confuses him and can turn what would be an otherwise elegant PICNIC into a very chaotic affair.
TUNA MAYONNAISE
HORLICK’S
DADDY’S FAVOURITE CAKE
TUNA MAYONNAISE
1 tin canned tuna
½ cup celery, diced
¼ cup mayonnaise
1 Tablespoon chopped chives
Flake the tuna with a fork. Add the celery and mayonnaise and chopped chives and mix all this together.
TUNA MAYONNAISE
HORLICK’S
DADDY’S FAVOURITE CAKE
TUNA MAYONNAISE
1 tin canned tuna
½ cup celery, diced
¼ cup mayonnaise
1 Tablespoon chopped chives
Flake the tuna with a fork. Add the celery and mayonnaise and chopped chives and mix all this together.
There it is: TUNA MAYONNAISE. (See how simple preparing a ‘Special Needs’ picnic can be?)
Before you go to the trouble, of course, you should telephone ahead so whoever you’ve entrusted with your Daddy’s care (or should that be ‘whomever’?) Anyway, you’ll want him dressed and ready when you arrive to collect him. Be sure and tell them to put a tie on him because if they’re anything like my sister Daisy and her unfortunate husband Onslow, a tie is not something they’re intimately acquainted with. As Richard’s so fond of saying, ‘You can’t expect a man who never wears a shirt to have a tie on.’ But that’s just it! There’s the whole problem in a nutshell – solved!!
Before you go to the trouble, of course, you should telephone ahead so whoever you’ve entrusted with your Daddy’s care (or should that be ‘whomever’?) Anyway, you’ll want him dressed and ready when you arrive to collect him. Be sure and tell them to put a tie on him because if they’re anything like my sister Daisy and her unfortunate husband Onslow, a tie is not something they’re intimately acquainted with. As Richard’s so fond of saying, ‘You can’t expect a man who never wears a shirt to have a tie on.’ But that’s just it! There’s the whole problem in a nutshell – solved!!
I shall invite Onslow down to the Charity Shop next week where shirts can be had at giveaway prices.
HORLICK’S
You’ll have to buy this as it’s doubtful you’ll have it just lying around the house. But no Senior Citizens’ outing is complete without the HORLICK’S. As instructed above, take along a beaker for your Daddy and wear something that won’t spoil if it’s splashed or dribbled on. I do wish Daddy would branch out a bit and venture away from the HORLICK’S. It’s unreliable. The day we lost Daddy I was quite sure that person called Fifi had adulterated his HORLICK’S at the canteen in the Senior Citizens. If my sister Daisy wasn’t so careless, Daddy would’ve been with Richard and me at the Seaside where he could’ve enjoyed sharing a Knickerbocker Glory with Mrs Lomax.
HORLICK’S
You’ll have to buy this as it’s doubtful you’ll have it just lying around the house. But no Senior Citizens’ outing is complete without the HORLICK’S. As instructed above, take along a beaker for your Daddy and wear something that won’t spoil if it’s splashed or dribbled on. I do wish Daddy would branch out a bit and venture away from the HORLICK’S. It’s unreliable. The day we lost Daddy I was quite sure that person called Fifi had adulterated his HORLICK’S at the canteen in the Senior Citizens. If my sister Daisy wasn’t so careless, Daddy would’ve been with Richard and me at the Seaside where he could’ve enjoyed sharing a Knickerbocker Glory with Mrs Lomax.
The old lady made short work of three of them! No wonder she’s always carsick. I drank a chocolate malted there myself and it was surprisingly good! When one goes to a Fun Fair one should try and join in the fun, I always think. Though not the sort of fun Mr Farini had in mind! Thank heavens I have Richard to protect me from anybody desperate.
DADDY’S FAVOURITE CAKE
1 cup butter, softened
1 2/3 cups sugar
5 eggs
2 cups all-purpose flour, sifted
½ teaspoon salt
1 ½ teaspoons almond extract
3 Tablespoons finely ground hazelnuts
1 teaspoon rosewater
2 drops red food colouring
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Grease two 9-inch cake pans.
Cream the butter well. In a separate bowl, beat the sugar and eggs together until doubled in volume. Add the sifted flour and salt gradually. Fold in the creamed butter thoroughly. Divide the batter into two equal parts. Into one part, add the almond extract and the ground hazelnuts. To the other part, add the rosewater and the red food colouring. Spoon batter alternately into the prepared pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 27-35 minutes. When they’ve baked long enough, your cakes will bounce back when you touch them in the centres. Let your cakes cool. Then remove them from the pans. Turn them out onto a cut glass cake plate and cement them together with whipped cream. (If you’ve been paying attention as we proceeded through this book, you should know how to produce whipped cream by now – almost as well as I do!) Dust the top with icing sugar.
DADDY’S FAVOURITE CAKE
1 cup butter, softened
1 2/3 cups sugar
5 eggs
2 cups all-purpose flour, sifted
½ teaspoon salt
1 ½ teaspoons almond extract
3 Tablespoons finely ground hazelnuts
1 teaspoon rosewater
2 drops red food colouring
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Grease two 9-inch cake pans.
Cream the butter well. In a separate bowl, beat the sugar and eggs together until doubled in volume. Add the sifted flour and salt gradually. Fold in the creamed butter thoroughly. Divide the batter into two equal parts. Into one part, add the almond extract and the ground hazelnuts. To the other part, add the rosewater and the red food colouring. Spoon batter alternately into the prepared pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 27-35 minutes. When they’ve baked long enough, your cakes will bounce back when you touch them in the centres. Let your cakes cool. Then remove them from the pans. Turn them out onto a cut glass cake plate and cement them together with whipped cream. (If you’ve been paying attention as we proceeded through this book, you should know how to produce whipped cream by now – almost as well as I do!) Dust the top with icing sugar.
Special Hint from Hyacinth: Be very careful with DADDY’S FAVOURITE CAKE in transit ! I cannot emphasize this too strongly. It’s a very delicate cake. When we arrived at our PICNIC destination, which turned out, through a series of little family hiccups, to be back at The Bucket Residence at tea time (See Chapter Five: TEA) there was a very large dent in the top of DADDY’S FAVOURITE CAKE. It tasted well, but a dented cake is not something you want to serve to important guests. However, I’m sure your Daddy won’t mind. It’s all right for a Daddy.
Footnote: I shall add in a COCOA recipe here in case Daddy forgets his Horlicks. He slops his cocoa as well so it won’t matter which it is. I’d have Daddy to live with us if he didn’t slop his COCOA. Still, that Fifi person won’t have adulterated his COCOA. Yes, I always think COCOA is safer. Daisy makes COCOA for Onslow but he never drinks it as he’s always asleep when it arrives.
COCOA
For each cup, combine in a double boiler:
¼ teaspoon vanilla
3 ounces milk chocolate
1 teaspoon butter
Stir these together until the chocolate and butter are completely melted and smooth.
Then add (slowly!):
1 cup cream, incorporating it gradually as it heats. Do not boil!
The Waterside Supper with Riparian Entertainments
If you’ve never organised a PICNIC before, I suggest you don’t start with this one. My WATERSIDE SUPPER is a daunting enough undertaking for even the most advanced hostess, but adding RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS will have you in way over your head. Trust me. It’s no good attempting the English Channel before you’ve even learnt to swim! Wait till you’ve survived THE CANDLELIGHT SUPPER and a TEA AND LIGHT REFRESHMENTS or two before you attempt to wade through THE WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS. Richard agrees with me completely about this.
But now that you’re warned and wary, I shall instruct you how I did my WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS and then --after – and only after – you’ve become a seasoned hostess like myself -- you can copy me – if you dare!
Footnote: I shall add in a COCOA recipe here in case Daddy forgets his Horlicks. He slops his cocoa as well so it won’t matter which it is. I’d have Daddy to live with us if he didn’t slop his COCOA. Still, that Fifi person won’t have adulterated his COCOA. Yes, I always think COCOA is safer. Daisy makes COCOA for Onslow but he never drinks it as he’s always asleep when it arrives.
COCOA
For each cup, combine in a double boiler:
¼ teaspoon vanilla
3 ounces milk chocolate
1 teaspoon butter
Stir these together until the chocolate and butter are completely melted and smooth.
Then add (slowly!):
1 cup cream, incorporating it gradually as it heats. Do not boil!
The Waterside Supper with Riparian Entertainments
If you’ve never organised a PICNIC before, I suggest you don’t start with this one. My WATERSIDE SUPPER is a daunting enough undertaking for even the most advanced hostess, but adding RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS will have you in way over your head. Trust me. It’s no good attempting the English Channel before you’ve even learnt to swim! Wait till you’ve survived THE CANDLELIGHT SUPPER and a TEA AND LIGHT REFRESHMENTS or two before you attempt to wade through THE WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS. Richard agrees with me completely about this.
But now that you’re warned and wary, I shall instruct you how I did my WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS and then --after – and only after – you’ve become a seasoned hostess like myself -- you can copy me – if you dare!
First of all, this was not something inspired in the middle of the night by talking about Sheridan although, ultimately, his little dictionary did play an important role. No, it all began with a serene little drive into the countryside. Crossing over a bridge I said to Richard, ‘Stop the car!’ Richard stopped the car. I had espied a lovely spot by the river that just cried out for an afternoon’s walking tour. Richard parked the car and we went for a stroll along the river bank. The river looked so inviting! And so, with hardly any prompting at all from me, Richard decided to rent a very romantic rowboat and take me for a row on the river. It was a lovely afternoon. But you haven’t heard the best of it! We found the perfect spot for a picnic – it was quite remote and unspoilt – obviously a place where nobody’d been before, and thus I knew it would be ideal for my WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
I sent out my usual engraved invitations for a group of select friends: my dear neighbours Elizabeth and her brother Emmet (As I’m sure you remember, Emmet is the Director of our Local Amateur Operatics Society); our Vicar and his charming wife; and I invited my wealthy sister Violet. She wanted to come but despaired of her transport as Bruce had just that morning been spirited away. Something to do with Violet’s large Mercedes. It seems Bruce was to give a talk to some government officials about kerb crawling. Violet was quite distressed, poor girl. I can’t think why. Bruce buys her everything! And now he’s become expert at the art of kerb crawling. I think it’s commendable, his driving so slowly. People rush about too much, in my opinion. But in all my years as a pedestrian I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a kerb crawler. I’m sure I shouldn’t forget a thing like that. Richard says if I had encountered a kerb crawler, he’s certain the kerb crawler would never forget it either. Well anyway, I told Violet, I said, ‘Violet, get somebody else to drive you to my WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS, dear. Somebody with a social status compatible with your large Mercedes, of course.’ That goes without saying.
Next I made a list of accoutrements. Now here’s where Richard’s reminders in the middle of the night in regard to DADDY’S PICNIC came in handy. With all the cars organised to drive to my WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS I knew we could take everything needed for a superlative outdoor dining experience! Emmet and our Vicar tied on my tables and chairs and rugs. Richard loaded up my custom-made plastic picnicware. And I, myself, carried the umbrella. Never let it be said that Hyacinth Bucket does not pull her own weight when it comes to a social occasion of this magnitude. And of course I led the singing: “The Happy Wanderer”. The Vicar’s charming wife particularly enjoyed this song as we strolled at a leisurely pace to my chosen picnic spot.
I sent out my usual engraved invitations for a group of select friends: my dear neighbours Elizabeth and her brother Emmet (As I’m sure you remember, Emmet is the Director of our Local Amateur Operatics Society); our Vicar and his charming wife; and I invited my wealthy sister Violet. She wanted to come but despaired of her transport as Bruce had just that morning been spirited away. Something to do with Violet’s large Mercedes. It seems Bruce was to give a talk to some government officials about kerb crawling. Violet was quite distressed, poor girl. I can’t think why. Bruce buys her everything! And now he’s become expert at the art of kerb crawling. I think it’s commendable, his driving so slowly. People rush about too much, in my opinion. But in all my years as a pedestrian I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a kerb crawler. I’m sure I shouldn’t forget a thing like that. Richard says if I had encountered a kerb crawler, he’s certain the kerb crawler would never forget it either. Well anyway, I told Violet, I said, ‘Violet, get somebody else to drive you to my WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS, dear. Somebody with a social status compatible with your large Mercedes, of course.’ That goes without saying.
Next I made a list of accoutrements. Now here’s where Richard’s reminders in the middle of the night in regard to DADDY’S PICNIC came in handy. With all the cars organised to drive to my WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS I knew we could take everything needed for a superlative outdoor dining experience! Emmet and our Vicar tied on my tables and chairs and rugs. Richard loaded up my custom-made plastic picnicware. And I, myself, carried the umbrella. Never let it be said that Hyacinth Bucket does not pull her own weight when it comes to a social occasion of this magnitude. And of course I led the singing: “The Happy Wanderer”. The Vicar’s charming wife particularly enjoyed this song as we strolled at a leisurely pace to my chosen picnic spot.
Here is my menu for
THE WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS:
SELECT NORWEGIAN PRAWNS
A SELECTION OF CANAPES AND THINGS TO NIBBLE ON
DEVILED HAM SPREAD
CREAMY CUCUMBER SALAD
HONEYED FRUIT SALAD A LA SHERIDAN (even though he couldn’t come, he’s a brilliant boy, Sheridan!)
SELECT NORWEGIAN PRAWNS
You buy these at your fishmonger.
A SELECTION OF CANAPES AND THINGS TO NIBBLE ON
(These are quite different from the ones you gave Mrs Henderson for tea (See Chapter
Five: TEA)
A Canape is anything that can be spread on a base. By that definition, crisps and dip would even be classified as a canape. But we shall avoid lower middle-class fare and explore a few tastier options.
For the Base, choose any or all of the following:
Assorted Crackers
Cream Cheese Pastry
Party Rye
Puff Pastry
Savory Toast Pita Wedgies
For the Toppings:
Olives (sliced)
Onions
Oysters (Be careful of these – they tend to encourage Continental behaviour!)
Paprika
Parsley
Peppers
Pimientos
Radishes (sliced)
Tomatoes (sliced cherry)
Anchovies
Aspic
Bacon bits
Capers
Caviar
Cheese
Egg (chopped or sliced)
Lobster bits
Mushrooms
Nuts (finely chopped)
There you are then – be creative like I am! Let your imagination run riot! Put a little swank on! For my WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS I served them ALL.
DEVILED HAM SPREAD
(This is special hors d’oeurvre and perhaps not quite the thing for serving to a Vicar but I slipped it in when he wasn’t looking.)
1 tin potted deviled ham
½ of a 3 ounce square of cream cheese
2 Tablespoons of pickle relish
a dash of lemon juice
1 teaspoon of onion powder
Stir all this together until well mixed. Chill the mixture until it’s ready to spread
THE WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS:
SELECT NORWEGIAN PRAWNS
A SELECTION OF CANAPES AND THINGS TO NIBBLE ON
DEVILED HAM SPREAD
CREAMY CUCUMBER SALAD
HONEYED FRUIT SALAD A LA SHERIDAN (even though he couldn’t come, he’s a brilliant boy, Sheridan!)
SELECT NORWEGIAN PRAWNS
You buy these at your fishmonger.
A SELECTION OF CANAPES AND THINGS TO NIBBLE ON
(These are quite different from the ones you gave Mrs Henderson for tea (See Chapter
Five: TEA)
A Canape is anything that can be spread on a base. By that definition, crisps and dip would even be classified as a canape. But we shall avoid lower middle-class fare and explore a few tastier options.
For the Base, choose any or all of the following:
Assorted Crackers
Cream Cheese Pastry
Party Rye
Puff Pastry
Savory Toast Pita Wedgies
For the Toppings:
Olives (sliced)
Onions
Oysters (Be careful of these – they tend to encourage Continental behaviour!)
Paprika
Parsley
Peppers
Pimientos
Radishes (sliced)
Tomatoes (sliced cherry)
Anchovies
Aspic
Bacon bits
Capers
Caviar
Cheese
Egg (chopped or sliced)
Lobster bits
Mushrooms
Nuts (finely chopped)
There you are then – be creative like I am! Let your imagination run riot! Put a little swank on! For my WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS I served them ALL.
DEVILED HAM SPREAD
(This is special hors d’oeurvre and perhaps not quite the thing for serving to a Vicar but I slipped it in when he wasn’t looking.)
1 tin potted deviled ham
½ of a 3 ounce square of cream cheese
2 Tablespoons of pickle relish
a dash of lemon juice
1 teaspoon of onion powder
Stir all this together until well mixed. Chill the mixture until it’s ready to spread
If you like, this can be formed into a ball and put in the centre of a plate of water biscuits. SO appropriate for a WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS.
CREAMY CUCUMBER SALAD
1 lb garden salad
1 large green bell pepper, seeded and cut into thin strips
1 cup cherry tomatoes
½ cup creamy cucumber dressing (Buy this in a jar.)
1 cup cool herb croutons
Combine all these ingredients in a salad bowl and toss them.
CREAMY CUCUMBER SALAD
1 lb garden salad
1 large green bell pepper, seeded and cut into thin strips
1 cup cherry tomatoes
½ cup creamy cucumber dressing (Buy this in a jar.)
1 cup cool herb croutons
Combine all these ingredients in a salad bowl and toss them.
This is so easy I sometimes allow my Richard to make it!
HONEYED FRUIT SALAD
1 cup pineapple chunks, drained
2 bananas, cut into 1 inch slices
2 oranges, peeled and thinly sliced (Cut away the white pith first.)
1 cup red seedless grapes
½ cup plain yoghurt
¼ cup honey
Combine all these ingredients in a mixing bowl and mix thoroughly. Let the mixture stand for 15-20 minutes before serving. (This won’t be a problem as it will take your hubby that long to park the car.)
HONEYED FRUIT SALAD
1 cup pineapple chunks, drained
2 bananas, cut into 1 inch slices
2 oranges, peeled and thinly sliced (Cut away the white pith first.)
1 cup red seedless grapes
½ cup plain yoghurt
¼ cup honey
Combine all these ingredients in a mixing bowl and mix thoroughly. Let the mixture stand for 15-20 minutes before serving. (This won’t be a problem as it will take your hubby that long to park the car.)
There you have it – the WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS! I hope you enjoy it as much as we did. After all was said and done, our Vicar seemed to appreciate the RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENTS even more than the WATERSIDE SUPPER. I must take that man in hand and educate him. He obviously hasn’t had the exposure to fine cuisine my Richard has enjoyed all these years.
Now turn the page because you’re in for a real treat in “Chapter Ten: Moments Miscellaneous and Musical”
Now turn the page because you’re in for a real treat in “Chapter Ten: Moments Miscellaneous and Musical”