Chapter Eleven
A Final Word on Entertaining (for the Socially Unfortunate)
Richard’s agreed to collaborate with me on this chapter. He’s going to do the lion’s share of the research for it. He’ll be spending practically the entire day over at Onslow’s. My poor husband! I can only imagine how relieved he’ll be to be back home at The Bucket Residence enjoying my haute cuisine cookery (See Chapters 1-10, inclusive, “Hyacinth Bucket’s Book of Better-Class British Cookery”). No, a man of Richard’s calibre cannot be expected to live for long on a steady diet of spaghetti and chips. It’s all right for Onslow of course. He’s never experienced anything else. But I shall leave it to Richard now and then I’ll come back in at the end and reassure all my Readers – and my husband -- with A Final Word.
A Final Word on Entertaining (for the Socially Unfortunate)
Richard’s agreed to collaborate with me on this chapter. He’s going to do the lion’s share of the research for it. He’ll be spending practically the entire day over at Onslow’s. My poor husband! I can only imagine how relieved he’ll be to be back home at The Bucket Residence enjoying my haute cuisine cookery (See Chapters 1-10, inclusive, “Hyacinth Bucket’s Book of Better-Class British Cookery”). No, a man of Richard’s calibre cannot be expected to live for long on a steady diet of spaghetti and chips. It’s all right for Onslow of course. He’s never experienced anything else. But I shall leave it to Richard now and then I’ll come back in at the end and reassure all my Readers – and my husband -- with A Final Word.
{Richard. I shall be in the lounge, dear, putting the last little touches on HYACINTH BUCKET’S BOOK OF BETTER-CLASS BRITISH COOKERY. Ring me from Daisy’s if you need me.}
{And Richard. Don’t be late for tea.} (See Chapter 5: TEA)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
{And Richard. Don’t be late for tea.} (See Chapter 5: TEA)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Well it seems I’ve become an author now. It’s not a bad sort of assignment. A welcome respite from gardening and polishing the car. Hmmmm. I shall need to be careful what I say as my work will be proofread by Hyacinth. But it feels quite odd, really, driving off alone in the car. I can’t think when’s the last time I’ve driven over to Onslow’s by myself. Actually, I don’t feel that I do drive. I just steer the car. Hyacinth does the driving.
Here we are. Amazing, isn’t it. I remembered the proper turnings, found my way, and managed to park the car in the turnaround at the end of the road and all without further instruction! I think I could get used to this. Yes. I think I rather enjoyed that drive. It’s the first time in ages I’ve been able to hear myself think.
Now I’ll just knock up old Onslow and ….. oh I hope I haven’t forgotten my notebook. Hyacinth wants me taking notes for her Cookery Book. Whew. Here it is. And my pencil. Where’s my pencil….. oh good. Got it.
{Oh hello, Onslow. Yes, I’ve come all on my own. Ho – wait a minute! Steady on. What? You need a drink? What? Me? Oh I don’t know about that, Onslow. It’s a bit early, isn’t it? Well I suppose just one wouldn’t hurt. But only one! I’ve got to keep a clear head for researching Hyacinth’s Cookery Book. Hmmm? Well yes I suppose you’re right. It is for a worthy purpose. I can hardly be expected to do research into your dietary habits without first-hand knowledge, can I? Hey, this is quite good, Onslow. But have you switched brands? I thought you were a Boddington’s man. This is a Stone’s you’ve given me. Ohhhh Daddy’s drunk all your Boddington’s for breakfast. Oh dear. I don’t think we should tell Hyacinth.}
Here we are. Amazing, isn’t it. I remembered the proper turnings, found my way, and managed to park the car in the turnaround at the end of the road and all without further instruction! I think I could get used to this. Yes. I think I rather enjoyed that drive. It’s the first time in ages I’ve been able to hear myself think.
Now I’ll just knock up old Onslow and ….. oh I hope I haven’t forgotten my notebook. Hyacinth wants me taking notes for her Cookery Book. Whew. Here it is. And my pencil. Where’s my pencil….. oh good. Got it.
{Oh hello, Onslow. Yes, I’ve come all on my own. Ho – wait a minute! Steady on. What? You need a drink? What? Me? Oh I don’t know about that, Onslow. It’s a bit early, isn’t it? Well I suppose just one wouldn’t hurt. But only one! I’ve got to keep a clear head for researching Hyacinth’s Cookery Book. Hmmm? Well yes I suppose you’re right. It is for a worthy purpose. I can hardly be expected to do research into your dietary habits without first-hand knowledge, can I? Hey, this is quite good, Onslow. But have you switched brands? I thought you were a Boddington’s man. This is a Stone’s you’ve given me. Ohhhh Daddy’s drunk all your Boddington’s for breakfast. Oh dear. I don’t think we should tell Hyacinth.}
{But you’re right, Onslow. It’s time to get down to
business. Pure scientific research, that’s what we’re about! I shan’t worry
about Hyacinth and we’ll just get on with our research here. Another? Sure. Why
not. I don’t mind if I do.}
{Oh
hello Daisy. Yes, I’m here on my own today. Hyacinth’s sent me
round to take notes on your haute cuisine for her Cookery Book. What’s
that, Onslow? No, I haven’t drunk too much. I’ve hardly begun on my
second. Oh I don’t know about that, Daisy. On the other hand, I
don’t see why not. If Hyacinth intends to become famous for all the stuff
she’s put into her Cookery Book that we rarely get to eat, I see no reason why
your spaghetti and chips shouldn’t be known round the world. Here.
Let me get my notebook out. And my pencil. And now you tell me all
about spaghetti and chips and I’ll just write it down here. What’s that,
Onslow? You’re sitting there surrounded by no beer? Oh dear, I
guess we’ve drunk it all, haven’t we? Oh I don’t know… do you think we’ve
got time for stopping into the pub? I mean I’m supposed to take notes for
Hyacinth’s Cookery Book and then my orders are to be back home in time for
tea. But then it is early yet. I suppose I’ve got time – just one
drink though!}
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
{Good morning! The Bou-quet Residence. The Lady of the House speaking! Oh it’s you, Daisy. What’s the matter, dear? What? Richard’s done WHAT??!}
{Good morning! The Bou-quet Residence. The Lady of the House speaking! Oh it’s you, Daisy. What’s the matter, dear? What? Richard’s done WHAT??!}
Oh good heavens. I knew I shouldn’t have let Richard go off on his own this morning. I woke up with a psychic pain between my shoulder blades. Well what’s done is done. Daisy can keep him there till he’s fit to drive home. It serves him right if he misses his tea! (See Chapter Five: TEA)
{Hello? Yes, Elizabeth. Listen, dear. I need your help. My Editor’s given me a deadline for my Cookery Book and he’s put a heavy requirement on me. Come over for coffee, won’t you? And bring your thinking cap. Or better yet – your chef’s hat!}
There. That’s solved. Elizabeth will know how to make spaghetti and chips and all that sort of thing. She practically raised Gail on lower middle-class fare. I expect it’s why the girl’s living so openly and unashamedly unmarried with that boy. And I’m sure it’s why Elizabeth’s husband’s never comes back from the Middle East.
{Hello? Yes, Elizabeth. Listen, dear. I need your help. My Editor’s given me a deadline for my Cookery Book and he’s put a heavy requirement on me. Come over for coffee, won’t you? And bring your thinking cap. Or better yet – your chef’s hat!}
There. That’s solved. Elizabeth will know how to make spaghetti and chips and all that sort of thing. She practically raised Gail on lower middle-class fare. I expect it’s why the girl’s living so openly and unashamedly unmarried with that boy. And I’m sure it’s why Elizabeth’s husband’s never comes back from the Middle East.
{Oh hello – it’s you, Elizabeth. How good of you to come. A tiny bit early perhaps. I’ll just go and put the coffee on whilst you remove your shoes. And then I shall want you to bring all your culinary skills to bear, dear. It’s for my Cookery Book. My Editor thinks people want to know about chips and bacon butties and packets of crisps. I cannot imagine why. I shouldn’t have put them in myself, of course. Not if it were up to me. But there’s no accounting for taste. What? Bored? Oh no I shouldn’t think so. No. No no no, my goodness me, no, Elizabeth. My Readers wouldn’t dream of becoming bored after Ten Chapters of HYACINTH BUCKET’S BOOK OF BETTER-CLASS COOKERY. No, I couldn’t expect boredom to save them from reading Chapter 11. }
{I shall rely on my Reader’s inherent good taste. The sort of person who reads HYACINTH BUCKET’S BOOK OF BETTER-CLASS BRITISH COOKERY is most assuredly not the sort of person who will wish to read Chapter 11. But to be on the safe side, I shall consult our Vicar about it and have him say a special prayer. I’m sure the good Lord will see the value of my Readers not reading Chapter 11. I shall insert a blank page just before it so they’ll think they’ve finished.}
{Meanwhile, I’ve got my Editor breathing soya sauce down the telephone at me day and night! So let’s have your recipes, Elizabeth. That’s right. Good. I knew you’d help me out, dear. Let’s see now…. Oh my word. Elizabeth, I think we shall have to work on these together. It appears they require a touch of my own stylish cuisine…. Hm? Where’s Richard? Oh he’s gone off for the day on a little educational trip. He’s taken up an interest in local architecture. I expect him home in time for tea.} (See Chapter 5: Tea)
SPAGHETTI AND CHIPS
½ cup plus 2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil (It turns out, this is all right for Rose as I am reliably informed it counteracts hormones.)
1 medium onion, peeled and halved
¼ pound piece spiced pancetta (Elizabeth says you can get this at the Italian market.)
10 cloves garlic (5 pressed, 2 finely chopped, 3 cracked)
Coarse salt (You know who that’s for!) and freshly ground black pepper
Three 35-ounce cans plum tomatoes, pureed in your liquidiser***
One 28-ounce can tomato puree
6 large fresh basil leaves
2 medium lean beef cutlets (about 9 ounces each)
1 Tablespoon fresh flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
2 teaspoons freshly grated Pecorino Romano cheese, plus more for garnish (Back we go to the Italian market!)
4 to 5 links sweet pork sausage with fennel (about ¾ pound)
4 pork spare ribs (about ¾ pound)
½ cup white wine Meatballs (recipe to follow)
1 pound pasta, such as ziti, penne, or pennoni (Put this on your Italian market list too.)
***Now. Before we proceed, a tiny word about liquidisers. A liquidiser is a must in the modern, upscale kitchen, especially if you ever find yourself in the airport at Copenhagen. You’ll be required to declare your liquidiser, along with your matching set of executive luggage with the leather embellishments and initials. Richard and I made a little side trip there in Sweden. Or was in Denmark? Well, no matter; they’re all Scandinavians. And that’s where we were, enroute to boarding the QE2. Yes, my hubby and I sailed aboard that magnificent ship! I shall never forget it. There was a First-Class cabin…the Captain’s cocktail party… and I danced with… well, we needn’t go into the dancing here. The point I wish to make about liquidisers for the purposes of your instruction in Cooking the Hyacinth Way (which if my Editor has any sense at all I hope you will one day see me teaching you on your television set!) is about the importance of the liquidiser to your culinary success. We’ve used liquidisers before so if you don’t have one yet, you haven’t been able to work your way through this book properly. My advice at this critical juncture is to acquire a liquidiser now and go back and make up what you missed.
{There. With any luck, they’ll be busy with all those liquidiser recipes and forget all about Chapter 11.}
In a large saucepan, heat ¼ cup oil over medium heat. Add the onion, pancetta, pressed garlic, and salt; saute for 2 minutes. Stir in the pureed tomatoes, tomato puree, and basil. Bring this to a simmer and cook it for 45 minutes. Remove and discard the onion halves.
Place the beef cutlets on your work surface. Sprinkle each piece with 2 teaspoons of olive oil, 1 clove finely chopped garlic, 1 teaspoon parsley, and 1 teaspoon cheese. Season with salt and pepper. Roll the beef, and tie it with kitchen string.
Heat the remaining ¼ cup oil in a large cast-iron skillet over medium heat. Add the cracked garlic and cook for 2 minutes. Place the rolled beef, sausage, and spare ribs in a skillet and cook them until they’re golden brown, 8-10 minutes. Add wine and cook for 2 more minutes. Remove the browned meat from the pan and add to the sauce along with the meatballs. **(Recipe to follow. We’re having these instead of chips. I think that’s better, don’t you?)
Add 2 cups of water, and return to a simmer. Cook, stirring frequently, over medium heat for 1 hour and 15 minutes.
{Meanwhile, I’ve got my Editor breathing soya sauce down the telephone at me day and night! So let’s have your recipes, Elizabeth. That’s right. Good. I knew you’d help me out, dear. Let’s see now…. Oh my word. Elizabeth, I think we shall have to work on these together. It appears they require a touch of my own stylish cuisine…. Hm? Where’s Richard? Oh he’s gone off for the day on a little educational trip. He’s taken up an interest in local architecture. I expect him home in time for tea.} (See Chapter 5: Tea)
SPAGHETTI AND CHIPS
½ cup plus 2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil (It turns out, this is all right for Rose as I am reliably informed it counteracts hormones.)
1 medium onion, peeled and halved
¼ pound piece spiced pancetta (Elizabeth says you can get this at the Italian market.)
10 cloves garlic (5 pressed, 2 finely chopped, 3 cracked)
Coarse salt (You know who that’s for!) and freshly ground black pepper
Three 35-ounce cans plum tomatoes, pureed in your liquidiser***
One 28-ounce can tomato puree
6 large fresh basil leaves
2 medium lean beef cutlets (about 9 ounces each)
1 Tablespoon fresh flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
2 teaspoons freshly grated Pecorino Romano cheese, plus more for garnish (Back we go to the Italian market!)
4 to 5 links sweet pork sausage with fennel (about ¾ pound)
4 pork spare ribs (about ¾ pound)
½ cup white wine Meatballs (recipe to follow)
1 pound pasta, such as ziti, penne, or pennoni (Put this on your Italian market list too.)
***Now. Before we proceed, a tiny word about liquidisers. A liquidiser is a must in the modern, upscale kitchen, especially if you ever find yourself in the airport at Copenhagen. You’ll be required to declare your liquidiser, along with your matching set of executive luggage with the leather embellishments and initials. Richard and I made a little side trip there in Sweden. Or was in Denmark? Well, no matter; they’re all Scandinavians. And that’s where we were, enroute to boarding the QE2. Yes, my hubby and I sailed aboard that magnificent ship! I shall never forget it. There was a First-Class cabin…the Captain’s cocktail party… and I danced with… well, we needn’t go into the dancing here. The point I wish to make about liquidisers for the purposes of your instruction in Cooking the Hyacinth Way (which if my Editor has any sense at all I hope you will one day see me teaching you on your television set!) is about the importance of the liquidiser to your culinary success. We’ve used liquidisers before so if you don’t have one yet, you haven’t been able to work your way through this book properly. My advice at this critical juncture is to acquire a liquidiser now and go back and make up what you missed.
{There. With any luck, they’ll be busy with all those liquidiser recipes and forget all about Chapter 11.}
In a large saucepan, heat ¼ cup oil over medium heat. Add the onion, pancetta, pressed garlic, and salt; saute for 2 minutes. Stir in the pureed tomatoes, tomato puree, and basil. Bring this to a simmer and cook it for 45 minutes. Remove and discard the onion halves.
Place the beef cutlets on your work surface. Sprinkle each piece with 2 teaspoons of olive oil, 1 clove finely chopped garlic, 1 teaspoon parsley, and 1 teaspoon cheese. Season with salt and pepper. Roll the beef, and tie it with kitchen string.
Heat the remaining ¼ cup oil in a large cast-iron skillet over medium heat. Add the cracked garlic and cook for 2 minutes. Place the rolled beef, sausage, and spare ribs in a skillet and cook them until they’re golden brown, 8-10 minutes. Add wine and cook for 2 more minutes. Remove the browned meat from the pan and add to the sauce along with the meatballs. **(Recipe to follow. We’re having these instead of chips. I think that’s better, don’t you?)
Add 2 cups of water, and return to a simmer. Cook, stirring frequently, over medium heat for 1 hour and 15 minutes.
Just before the sauce is finished, bring a large pot of salted water to the boil. Add the pasta and cook until it’s al dente. Drain, and transfer the pasta to a large serving platter. Stir the sauce to combine all the ingredients and ladle the sauce over the pasta. Serve the meats on a separate platter. Sprinkle the cheese over the pasta and meats.
**MEATBALLS
(You’ll need to send your hubby or some similar willing helper to your Quality Butcher’s for the ingredients to make these! Elizabeth has just sent her brother Emmet.)
1 ½ pounds ground top sirloin
¾ pound ground pork
¾ pound ground veal
2 cloves garlic, pressed
2 Tablespoons extra-virgin olive (a must if you’ve a sister named Rose!)
½ teaspoon coarse salt (a must if you’ve a socially unfortunate brother-in-law)
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
½ cup freshly grated Pecorino Romano cheese (Italian market again)
2 Tablespoons finely chopped flat-leaf parsley
3 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 slice Italian bread, soaked in water (another trip to the Italian market! Your Italian grocer will be thinking you’re lifelong friends by now. So watch out. On the other hand, you may wish to invite him for your haute cuisine Spaghetti and Meatballs and show him how it’s really done – the Hyacinth way!)
¾ cup unseasoned dry bread crumbs
½ cup light olive oil
**MEATBALLS
(You’ll need to send your hubby or some similar willing helper to your Quality Butcher’s for the ingredients to make these! Elizabeth has just sent her brother Emmet.)
1 ½ pounds ground top sirloin
¾ pound ground pork
¾ pound ground veal
2 cloves garlic, pressed
2 Tablespoons extra-virgin olive (a must if you’ve a sister named Rose!)
½ teaspoon coarse salt (a must if you’ve a socially unfortunate brother-in-law)
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
½ cup freshly grated Pecorino Romano cheese (Italian market again)
2 Tablespoons finely chopped flat-leaf parsley
3 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 slice Italian bread, soaked in water (another trip to the Italian market! Your Italian grocer will be thinking you’re lifelong friends by now. So watch out. On the other hand, you may wish to invite him for your haute cuisine Spaghetti and Meatballs and show him how it’s really done – the Hyacinth way!)
¾ cup unseasoned dry bread crumbs
½ cup light olive oil
Line a baking sheet with paper towels; set aside.
In a large bowl, combine the top sirloin, pork, veal, extra-virgin olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper. Add the cheese, parsley, and eggs. Squeeze the water from the bread. Tear the bread into small pieces and add it to the meat mixture. Add ¾ cup bread crumbs and stir to combine everything. With your hands, form small meatballs. When you’re finished, you should have 20 of them.
********** ********** ********** ********** **********
{Emmet! You can’t leave! No, you must stay for lunch! Sit right down here at my table, dear, and test me out this recipe. No, now I won’t take no for an answer. SIT. There. That’s better. You were good enough to run to the quality butcher’s for me.
In a large bowl, combine the top sirloin, pork, veal, extra-virgin olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper. Add the cheese, parsley, and eggs. Squeeze the water from the bread. Tear the bread into small pieces and add it to the meat mixture. Add ¾ cup bread crumbs and stir to combine everything. With your hands, form small meatballs. When you’re finished, you should have 20 of them.
********** ********** ********** ********** **********
{Emmet! You can’t leave! No, you must stay for lunch! Sit right down here at my table, dear, and test me out this recipe. No, now I won’t take no for an answer. SIT. There. That’s better. You were good enough to run to the quality butcher’s for me.
You shall have your reward. Oh… and dear… just give us your shoes, will you? Here, you can remove them whilst I just go and wipe your footmark off my woodblock.}
{Oh my word – isn’t that the Vicar’s car? He can join us for lunch. I’ll just go and greet him at the door. And his lovely wife, too. How nice.}
{Oh my word – isn’t that the Vicar’s car? He can join us for lunch. I’ll just go and greet him at the door. And his lovely wife, too. How nice.}
{What? Oh good grief. He’s brought a carload – they look like the Keystone Kops disembarking all at once like that.}
{Who are all those people?! Richard?! Daisy! Onslow! Rose! Oh....hello, Vicar! How nice of you and your charming wife to pop in for a visit and bring all my family. (Rose, cover your knees!) Do come in, won’t you, Vicar. Elizabeth and Emmet and I are just having lunch. What? What did you say, Daisy? You’ve brought lunch? Oh? You’ve been helping with my Cookery Book. How very kind of you, dear. Well go on then, open your parcel. Let’s see what you’ve brought.}
{Who are all those people?! Richard?! Daisy! Onslow! Rose! Oh....hello, Vicar! How nice of you and your charming wife to pop in for a visit and bring all my family. (Rose, cover your knees!) Do come in, won’t you, Vicar. Elizabeth and Emmet and I are just having lunch. What? What did you say, Daisy? You’ve brought lunch? Oh? You’ve been helping with my Cookery Book. How very kind of you, dear. Well go on then, open your parcel. Let’s see what you’ve brought.}
{What.is.it. Sarnies. Butties. Chips. Bags of crisps. Yes, thank you, Onslow, I can see they’re smoky bacon flavour.}
{Well. My word. Isn’t this nice. My Editor will be pleased I’m sure. Richard. Give Daisy your notebook and pencil, dear. Go on, Daisy. Write it all down for my Readers.}
(Though Lord knows the upmarket persons who’ll be reading HYACINTH BUCKET’S BOOK OF BETTER-CLASS BRITISH COOKERY won’t have an interest in this sort of thing. With any luck, they’re still out buying their liquidisers.)
{Vicar, you and your charming wife can sit down here next to Emmet. No, not there. Over there. I like to face the window. Elizabeth, bring the Vicar and his charming wife some of your stylish cuisine, dear. Richard, you can help Elizabeth serve the plates if you will. Onslow, you and Rose stand over there. You can have your plates on my work surface. And mind my fruited pyramid – I spent all morning long arranging those grapefruits!}
{Daisy. Sit here. And start writing, dear.}
{Well. My word. Isn’t this nice. My Editor will be pleased I’m sure. Richard. Give Daisy your notebook and pencil, dear. Go on, Daisy. Write it all down for my Readers.}
(Though Lord knows the upmarket persons who’ll be reading HYACINTH BUCKET’S BOOK OF BETTER-CLASS BRITISH COOKERY won’t have an interest in this sort of thing. With any luck, they’re still out buying their liquidisers.)
{Vicar, you and your charming wife can sit down here next to Emmet. No, not there. Over there. I like to face the window. Elizabeth, bring the Vicar and his charming wife some of your stylish cuisine, dear. Richard, you can help Elizabeth serve the plates if you will. Onslow, you and Rose stand over there. You can have your plates on my work surface. And mind my fruited pyramid – I spent all morning long arranging those grapefruits!}
{Daisy. Sit here. And start writing, dear.}
Ooooh! All right, Hyacinth. Look, Onslow, I’m writing about Sarnies for our Hyacinth’s Cookery Book! Do you think I’ll become famous, our Hyacinth?
{Not if we’re lucky. Just write down your recipes, Daisy.}
SARNIES and BUTTIES
All right. Here’s what you need for one SARNIE or one BUTTY (they’re the same thing only they sound different). If you want to make more SARNIES and more BUTTIES you just use more ingredients.
2 slices of bread or a bun
1 Tablespoon lard
4 rashers of bacon
Brown Sauce or Tomato Ketchup
First you fry your bacon in the lard (sometimes on really ‘Special Occasions’ I grill bacon for Onslow and then you don’t need the lard). Take a couple of slices of bread or a bun cut in half. Slap on some butter or margarine. Then pile up the bacon and slap the second bit of bread on top to keep it all more or less together. For a deluxe SARNIE or BUTTY you can pour some sauce over the bacon before adding the second bread slice. (brown sauce is good but Onslow generally fancies tomato ketchup). Whenever I make bacon SARNIES or BUTTIES for Onslow’s breakfast in bed, I always make four of them, two for each of us and I add a fried egg on the top of each one and we make a real meal out of it.
{Not if we’re lucky. Just write down your recipes, Daisy.}
SARNIES and BUTTIES
All right. Here’s what you need for one SARNIE or one BUTTY (they’re the same thing only they sound different). If you want to make more SARNIES and more BUTTIES you just use more ingredients.
2 slices of bread or a bun
1 Tablespoon lard
4 rashers of bacon
Brown Sauce or Tomato Ketchup
First you fry your bacon in the lard (sometimes on really ‘Special Occasions’ I grill bacon for Onslow and then you don’t need the lard). Take a couple of slices of bread or a bun cut in half. Slap on some butter or margarine. Then pile up the bacon and slap the second bit of bread on top to keep it all more or less together. For a deluxe SARNIE or BUTTY you can pour some sauce over the bacon before adding the second bread slice. (brown sauce is good but Onslow generally fancies tomato ketchup). Whenever I make bacon SARNIES or BUTTIES for Onslow’s breakfast in bed, I always make four of them, two for each of us and I add a fried egg on the top of each one and we make a real meal out of it.
{Very nice, Daisy. That ought to sort out my Editor. Now write down the CHIPS, dear, and then you can all go home in time for Daddy’s tea. Daddy’ll be home from the Over 60s and he’ll be wanting his tea soon.} (See Chapter Five: TEA)
Oooh, our Hyacinth. Onslow says I do great Chips! But first I think I should write down all the Sarnie and Butty varieties Onslow likes.
{Oh very well. But be quick about it, Daisy. It’s time you were all getting home, dear. Daddy would wish it. Emmet! Where are you going? No! You can’t leave. Have another helping of Elizabeth’s Italian cuisine. We’re not done yet!}
{Elizabeth, get your brother a fresh plate, will you, dear?}
{Daisy. Write.}
VARIETIES of SARNIES AND BUTTIES
The bread and butter and sauce are all the same, but instead of bacon, you can do SARNIES and BUTTIES with CRISPS (Onslow’s favourite is smoky bacon flavour) or you can put chips on. Onslow says, ‘Nobody makes chips like you do, Dais.’ He’s so romantic, isn’t he, our Hyacinth? I think he looks like Marlon Brando in “Streetcar Named Desire”. And he’s mine! All mine! Ooooh!
Oooh, our Hyacinth. Onslow says I do great Chips! But first I think I should write down all the Sarnie and Butty varieties Onslow likes.
{Oh very well. But be quick about it, Daisy. It’s time you were all getting home, dear. Daddy would wish it. Emmet! Where are you going? No! You can’t leave. Have another helping of Elizabeth’s Italian cuisine. We’re not done yet!}
{Elizabeth, get your brother a fresh plate, will you, dear?}
{Daisy. Write.}
VARIETIES of SARNIES AND BUTTIES
The bread and butter and sauce are all the same, but instead of bacon, you can do SARNIES and BUTTIES with CRISPS (Onslow’s favourite is smoky bacon flavour) or you can put chips on. Onslow says, ‘Nobody makes chips like you do, Dais.’ He’s so romantic, isn’t he, our Hyacinth? I think he looks like Marlon Brando in “Streetcar Named Desire”. And he’s mine! All mine! Ooooh!
Oh nice.
{Calm yourself, Daisy. You’re a married woman! Marriage is a fine institution, designed to eradicate feelings like that. Look. Daisy. Here. Let me help you, dear. We shall do this one together. I think your Chips need a touch of my own stylish cuisine.}
WAFFLE CHIPS
3 baking potatoes
9 cups of peanut oil, for frying
coarse salt (for that distinctive ‘Onslow’ like flavour)
Using a mandoline fitted with the waffle-cut blade, cut the potatoes into 1/8 inch thick slices, creating the waffle pattern by turning the potato a half-turn after each slice. Transfer the potato slices to a bowl of cool water to prevent discoloration.
{Calm yourself, Daisy. You’re a married woman! Marriage is a fine institution, designed to eradicate feelings like that. Look. Daisy. Here. Let me help you, dear. We shall do this one together. I think your Chips need a touch of my own stylish cuisine.}
WAFFLE CHIPS
3 baking potatoes
9 cups of peanut oil, for frying
coarse salt (for that distinctive ‘Onslow’ like flavour)
Using a mandoline fitted with the waffle-cut blade, cut the potatoes into 1/8 inch thick slices, creating the waffle pattern by turning the potato a half-turn after each slice. Transfer the potato slices to a bowl of cool water to prevent discoloration.
In a heavy-bottomed Dutch oven or high-sided pan, heat the oil until a frying thermometer registers 375 degrees. Remove about 12 potato slices from the water, place them on a clean (Daisy, pay attention, dear!) kitchen towel and thoroughly pat dry. Carefully slip the potato slices into the oil (the oil temperature will drop down to about 360 degrees) and fry them, moving the slices with tongs or a slotted spoon, until they have achieved a golden colour, 1-2 minutes. Transfer to paper toweling to drain and sprinkle with salt. Repeat the procedure until all the potato slices are fried.
{There. Now that’s done. Let’s pack all this up and you can be on your way. Daisy. Onslow. Rose. (Rose! Leave Mr Hawkesworth’s chips alone, Rose!)
{There. Now that’s done. Let’s pack all this up and you can be on your way. Daisy. Onslow. Rose. (Rose! Leave Mr Hawkesworth’s chips alone, Rose!)
Now come along. Home you go! Daddy’ll be back from the Over 60s by now. He’ll be wanting his tea. (See Chapter Five: TEA) So there you are! Off you go! We don’t want Daddy arriving home and nobody’s there to make him tea, do we? (See Chapter Five: Tea) What did you say, Richard? WHAT?! Daddy’s at the front door? With his friends? What friends? Daddy hasn’t got any friends. The OVER SIXTIES -- HERE??! For Tea? Oh good grief. Whatever next.}
{Well there’s nothing else for it. Put the kettle on, Richard. Daisy, bring us your parcel, dear. Lay us out the Sarnies, Butties, Spaghetti and Chips. We’ll ALL have TEA!}
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{Oooooh Richard. I thought they’d never leave. WHAT a disaster to my Tea and Light Refreshments! (See Chapter Five: Tea)
{Well there’s nothing else for it. Put the kettle on, Richard. Daisy, bring us your parcel, dear. Lay us out the Sarnies, Butties, Spaghetti and Chips. We’ll ALL have TEA!}
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{Oooooh Richard. I thought they’d never leave. WHAT a disaster to my Tea and Light Refreshments! (See Chapter Five: Tea)
But no matter. There’ll be other days. Yes, dear. Of course I’ve forgiven you. That’s what wives are for, Richard. Yes, I know you’re tired. We’re all tired, Richard. But just pour me another small sherry, will you, before you go off to bed. Yes, that’s fine. And Richard. Leave the bottle, dear.}
THIS is when it’s all right to substitute the sherry decanter for the teapot.
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To All My Dear Readers,
A Final Word on Entertaining (for the Socially Unfortunate): If you’ve managed to read this far, I hope you’ve learnt enough that Chapter 11 hasn’t totally stir-fried your basic good manners. And I do hope you’ve all enjoyed HYACINTH BUCKET’S BOOK OF BETTER-CLASS BRITISH COOKERY. I much enjoyed bringing it to you.
Wishing you all the best in haute cuisine cookery –
Bon appetit!
THIS is when it’s all right to substitute the sherry decanter for the teapot.
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To All My Dear Readers,
A Final Word on Entertaining (for the Socially Unfortunate): If you’ve managed to read this far, I hope you’ve learnt enough that Chapter 11 hasn’t totally stir-fried your basic good manners. And I do hope you’ve all enjoyed HYACINTH BUCKET’S BOOK OF BETTER-CLASS BRITISH COOKERY. I much enjoyed bringing it to you.
Wishing you all the best in haute cuisine cookery –
Bon appetit!